Greeting Cards You Will Never See in the Hallmark Store
1. Front: I heard you have gone deaf.
Inside: I'll bet you didn't.
2. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside: See you later, you fucking bastard!
3. Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it.
4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father's teeth falling out.
Inside: Well, dadgummit!
5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon!
6. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.
Inside: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.
7. Front: I heard that you were very sick.
Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.
8. Front: I heard you were dead.
Inside: I hope it was painless.
9. Front: I heard your whole family got shot.
Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo.
10. Front: Congratulations on your first period!
Inside: Let's go out and paint the town red!
11. Front: Thank God you aren't pregnant!
Inside: I might have had to admit I've had sex with *you*.
12. Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.
13. Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again.
Inside: Thank God this time you didn't leave as much blood on my bumper!
14. Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away.
Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer.
15. Front: They told me you were constipated.
Inside: No shit?
16. Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident.
Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court!
17. Front: Get well soon.
Inside: I am sick of walking two miles to get water.
18. Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life.
Inside: Now get ready to lose it.
19. Front: Hot damn!
Inside: I'm sorry to hear that your house burned down.
20. Front: Congratulations on your weight loss!
Inside: It's a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.
21. Front: When life deals you a hard blow...
Inside: So can I, big boy.