Shitisms
1. Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow
with it.
2. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it
happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one
with she-it). Please this flower and buy our shit.
3. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious says, "If shit has
to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
4. Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't
really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time.
5. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
6. Sixth Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.
7. Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. This shit is not a
religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you.
8. Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit
happens, praise the lord for it!
9. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
10. Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession.
11. Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
12. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
13. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are
shit, and you will die shit.
14. Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we
love you anyway.
15. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always happen
just before closing the deal?
16. Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
17. Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take
a hostage. We don't take any shit.
18. Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!
19. New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Were all part of
the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
20. Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes
shit happen.
21. Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a
limited amount of good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist
you take our shit. Shit happens door to door.
22. Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
23. Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
24. Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit
doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take
care of itself. Shit happens in your mind.
25. Atheism: I don't believe this shit! It looks and smells like shit, so I'm
damned if I'm going to taste it. Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit!
26. Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched,
or tasted it. But it's shit.
27. Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm
not sure whether its shit or not. What is this shit?! How can we KNOW if
shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit!
28. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon.
29. Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens. (you can't say
'shit' in Utah) Hey, there's more shit happening over here! Our shit is
better than your shit. Shit happens again & again & again ...
30. Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ...
